Not by Might, Nor by Power

Below is the recording of my testimony from one year ago. If you’d like to fast forward past the sermon, the timestamp is at [39:00]. I also included the transcript of my testimony below the audio file.

I pray that my testimony of the grace and gift of God is a blessing on you as you journey with me through his sovereign power and authority over my life.

Amen.

May 12, 2019

A little over 12 weeks ago God transformed my life, and I am really excited to stand here today to tell you how. 

Depression has plagued most of my life, keeping me under silent submission to anxiety, fear, confusion, apathy, and emotional turmoil. I found everything equally overwhelming, whether a criticism or an encouragement, it all seemed too hard or too much to bear. For years I worked very hard at my inner life, trying to change myself into who I thought God wanted me to be. Still I could not pull myself out of this inevitable cycle. 

Out of sheer desperation for my family I decided to go to counseling. On February 12th, I attended my first counseling session. In 6 sessions I was not given one piece of counsel; ironically, this was the provision of God. Every week I shared part of my story. I poured out my pain, suffering, guilt and shame, and every time God would heal it the moment it left my mouth. This miracle was just the beginning.

One day, out of my own mouth the Spirit of God defined repentance for me. As soon as it left my lips I knew I had never fully repented. This is what the Lord said “Repentance isn’t about being sorry. Saying you’re sorry is saying “I am sorry for who I am”. Repentance is saying “I relinquish my identity to you, Lord, to be transformed by your will” So I did that. And God delivered me.

No more fear. No more confusion. No more depression. No more anxiety. No more shame. God has poured out His Spirit on me through His Word, and I have been meditating on it day and night for the last 12 weeks. The richness I feel everyday is a stark contrast to the emptiness I felt before. He has filled my days with so much life and meaning and peace that I just want to sit with him all the time. I cannot help but share this good news, it has overflowed on everyone I have talked to, because for the first time in my life I have tasted that the Lord is good. Jesus said He is the bread of life, and I am here today to tell you that it’s true. It’s all true. Here are some of the ways He delivered me:

He delivered me from my suffering. One night, about 5 years ago, as I was reflecting on the story of the dead girl and the bleeding woman, I told my husband that I was the dead girl, but I longed to be the bleeding women. We looked at each other stunned at the revelation that the Holy Spirit spoke through me, but in my heart I was terrified of becoming that desperate. As Jesus called the 12 year old girl saying “Little girl, I say to you, get up!” God revealed to me that He had awoken me when I was 12, when I realized that my dad couldn’t love me the way I needed. As God had freed the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years, he revealed to me that 12 years ago he delivered to me, my husband, who has faithfully nurtured my heart of stone so Jesus could give me a heart of flesh. In Mark 5:28-29 it says “because she thought “If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering” My faithful touch was not of His clothes but was an acknowledgment of my desperate need for him. As Jesus said to the women, he has said to me “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” I am now free from my suffering.

He anointed me. By profession I do makeup and hair. I started about the time that Joe and I started dating, 12 years ago. I had always wanted to be an artist, but I was too afraid to create anything until I started doing makeup. Joe encouraged me to keep pushing myself, but makeup quickly became part of my identity. God revealed to me in John 9:1-9 that as he took the mud and anointed the eyes of the blind man, he had anointed my hands that were used to build my kingdom in ignorance. He has now made them holy. I am now an anointed daughter of the King.

He delivered me from my fantasies. I have always fantasized about my life. I grew up very lonely and afraid, to escape life I would fantasize. Satan even tormented me with porn periodically over the years. This kept me in guilt and shame, and kept me away from this very word. 

2 Corinthians 10:4-6 says “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments [casting down imaginations] and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.” I am now free from my fantasies. 

I believed in Jesus, in His death and resurrection. I have been baptized and have been filled with the Holy Spirit, but God revealed to me that I had not entered His rest, as Paul speaks about in Hebrews 4. In my disobedience I kept myself apart from God because I was afraid. I was afraid of being disappointed. I was afraid of what He might ask of me. I was afraid of myself. So I held onto my pain, and I let it become my identity. 

In Hebrews 9 Paul talks about the tabernacle - the Holy place, where priests go regularly to preform their ritual duties, but into the second section, behind the curtain, was the Most Holy place. Only the High Priest would go once a year. He goes with a sacrifice, to atone for his sins and the unintentional sins of the people. When our perfect Jesus, the Highest Priest, died he washed our sins away by His blood. God revealed to me that because of my disobedience I had only entered the Holy Place - the first section. Hebrews 9:8 says “By this the Holy Spirit indicates that the way into the holy places is not yet opened as long as the first section is still standing” When I repented God unveiled my eyes and showed me the truth, that by His sacrifice I have now entered the Most Holy place, with him and by him. I entered that most Holy Place, and he gave me rest. 

I stand before you today a holy dwelling place in Christ Jesus, reconciled to one new body, redeemed and anointed by God. My God has delighted in me and has richly blessed my life with His Holy Peace. He is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.

Ephesians 2:8 says “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Amen.